Blowin' in the Wind

Tomorrow I head for Joplin after work, and Friday I wake up early to head to Memphis! I'm not sure which I'm more excited about, having a 4-day weekend (read: 2 days off work!) or the Beale Street Music Festival...but I know I'm a lot excited for both! As always, I wish Andy could come, but I guess absence makes the heart grow fonder & all that.

Yesterday was an interesting day. Long ago, I'd come to the conclusion that a) I didn't believe in "soulmates", and b) I don't understand a thing about love.

If you ask me today, my thoughts are divided on the concept of soulmates. Do I believe there's somebody who makes you feel more like yourself? Someone who makes you whole? Someone you envision growing old with? That I do...even more so since I met Andy. However, I also believe that there isn't only one person like that. Had I moved somewhere else, I could have met someone I'm equally compatible with, and Andy would have still existed here. So if there's more than one person like that, how is "soulmate" not an overstatement? Don't get me wrong, I would still call Andy mine...I'm just saying.

Now you might ask yourself how I don't understand a thing about love, but I'm in a happy committed relationship...and I ask myself the same thing every day. Here it is, though, after a long talk with my best friend yesterday....more or less the entire day...I don't think that any of you understand it either.

Recently, 2 of our friends broke up after dating over a year. He broke up with her, stating that he 'kept waiting to feel the love feeling, but it still hasn't come'. Now, I pose this question: Was there a pivotal moment that you all of a sudden felt the "love feeling"? Because for me I didn't really feel any different, it was more of a realization that I couldn't/didn't want to live without this man. My thought is that what he's waiting for is Hollywood-style love. Perhaps I'm wrong, and they really just weren't going to work out, but nonetheless - what have movies done to peoples' perception of love?

Andy & I started off pretty rocky, as a lot of you know. To this day, there are times where I ask myself 'Do I really love him?'. I thought this was just because I'm weird, but I talked to a few other people who admitted to having the same feelings. After asking myself this, I always come to the conclusion that I do, very much...He's my other half. I think about not having him around, and it makes me want to die. And that's just it...most peoples' test for if they love someone or not is imagining their life without the other person. Is love an emotion solely based out of the fear of losing someone? Not that it would be any less legitimate, but how else do you know you love someone?

Furthermore, what is the difference between "love" and "in love"? You always hear people say, "I love you but I'm not in love with you." What does that mean? Which one is more real; which is more important?

What makes romantic love different than the feelings you have for your family, besides the obvious fringe benefits?

Deep down, everyone knows whether they truly love someone or not...but the explanation is you "just know". And I agree with that. Deep down, I know Andy & I are meant to be together, but I still question it. Is it my brain battling with my heart? My brain battling with other peoples' perceptions? My brain battling with media & society stigma? All of the above?

Andy says in an anthropology class he took way-back-when, a professor said that romantic love is the human emotion that is based out of the neeed to procreate. Whether you procreate or not is a moot point - the emotion itself was borne from that basic human need.

So after a long talk with my best friend (and another one with Andy, that started off horribly but ended fine), I've come to the conclusion that love is different for everyone, and that's why nobody understands it. Romantic comedies for decades have tried to convince people that all relationships are more or less the same, and I disagree. The romanticized notions that we've been spoon-fed are probably a large part of the reason the divorce rate is so high - instead of focusing on just being happy, and being with each other, people focus on what they're supposed to feel, or what they're supposed to say/do, making what could be a great relationship a failure because it doesn't look like the movies.

To me, love is when you're not grossed out by each others' farts, it's when you can't help but be attracted to someone even though they haven't washed their hair for days and their breath smells like dogshit, when you fight and you look so forward to making up that you don't even care anymore about whatever you were fighting about, or when they do something that you know would piss you off if it were anybody but them... Love is when you're apart even for just a day or 2 and you're still giddy with anticipation at reuniting, looking forward to the end of the workday to see them, looking forward to falling into bed with them at the end of the day, and waking up next to them the next morning...it's taking an interest in things you wouldn't care about if your significant other didn't care about them so much...
It's taking their side when you know they're wrong, and it's being able to tell them that they're wrong but you're still on their side. It's knowing that no matter what happens you don't want to be with anybody else, and you can work through anything knowing that. You can have a good time doing anything together, and also have a good time doing nothing together, but you also have to be able to have a good time apart. Perhaps most importantly, it's knowing they'll listen to any mundane thing you want to share, and they'll support you in any of your crazy endeavors, and vice-versa. It's SO much more, but this entry is already getting pretty lengthy.

We've decided we'd like to film a documentary about this, and interview people from all walks of life, who've had many different types of relationship experiences. Working title: "What Is Love?" - Yes, that is mainly so we can work the Haddaway song into the credits.

This is what we had for dinner last night, and each time I make it I change it a little and like it a bit more...it's started to become one of my favorite dishes, I think! I stole the recipe from Alicia after her bridal shower & added a few tweaks, and YUM!

Also, Steak House cabernet was a perfect complement. I love the Magnificent Wine Co.!

Edit: Amanda requested the recipe, so here you go!

Ingredients:

1- 28 oz. can crushed tomatoes
2- cloves garlic, minced
1- medium onion, diced
2- bell peppers, diced (Original recipe says 1 green & 1 red but green peppers bother me so I usually do 1 red, 1 yellow)
1- medium zucchini, chopped
4- cups water
2- cups vegetable stock
1- 6 oz. can tomato paste
1- 14 oz. package cheese ravioli
olive oil
oregano
parmesan cheese
salt & pepper to taste

I usually also add a few mushrooms, and a dash of red pepper flakes.

1. Heat the oil (~1 1/2 Tbsp) in a large pot. Saute garlic & onions for 3 minutes, then add bell peppers and saute for another 5 or so minutes.

2. Add the tomatoes, tomato paste, water, and vegetable (or chicken, if you don't care about the vegetarian element) stock. At this point grate in some parmesan cheese, or throw in rinds if you have them to for some extra yummy. Simmer over medium heat for 15 minutes.

3. Add the zucchini, oregano, & ravioli (and mushrooms). Bring to a light boil until ravioli is tender.

4. Add salt, pepper, & pepper flakes to taste. Simmer for 10 minutes, or until zucchini reaches desired texture. I like mine with a little crunch left still, and 10-15 minutes usually gets it just right.

I serve with grated parmesan & a bit of basil over the top (fresh is always better, but I only had dried yesterday...waiting on my plants to grow big & strong).

Makes 4-6 servings

(Skip the parm & switch to spinach ravioli to make it vegan-friendly!)

Super easy, and I love it...especially on a rainy, dreary night like last night was! Enjoy!

What a busy weekend the last one was! Friday I got off work early & the fam and I hit up the Flaming Lips show... More specifically, we saw Deathstar & White Dwarfs, The Ettes, White Rabbits, Minus the Bear, The Dead Weather, and The Flaming Lips - it was a GREAT show! And my mom won 4 VIP tickets to 311 & The Offspring on July 3rd, so that will be fun too!


The Dead Weather


Wayne in a bubble



Then Saturday I woke up at the crack of dawn and went to Rolla with E Gill for PSR initiation...It was a great time, and I loved our new girls! Can't wait to get to know them better!

Sunday I got home around 3:00, and Andy surprised me by showing up just an hour after me. We had some delicious crab alfredo for dinner, and then mostly hung out. I imagine we'll do a lot of snuggly things between now & Thursday morning, since I will be leaving for Memphis Thursday afternoon...

As it turns out, my obsession with trees knows no limits. Today I have on a shirt with a tree on it, I'm currently planning my next tattoo, of - you guessed it - a tree...

I recently stumbled across this (sadly but understandably expensive!) bed:




I love it. I think part of its statement lies in the rest of the room being so stark, though, and I'm not sure I could pull that off. I'd have my spare room cramped with everything I wish I had in my bedroom... Or I could just make my bedroom bigger...

So I had the STRANGEST dreams last night! When I very first woke up, I remembered several of the scenarios, but there was one I specifically wanted to remember so I focused on it, and I've forgotten the rest. I know vaguely they had to do with my garden...or at least one did.

Anyway, here's the one: My sister & I had been eating dinner, and one of her friends, but we were walking back to "my house" (It wasn't really my house but was in the dream)...we're walking through this parking lot & my sister is reading this news story on her phone that's happening in town right now, and freaking out. Then we see someone in a car's passenger seat in the parking lot watching a TV with their door open, and we go over to watch this breaking news that Sister was freaking out about. Turns out Blues Traveler was in town, and they had played such an extended jam that 2 of the members got "retrograde confusion", which basically meant they had played for so long they had more or less gotten in a trance, and couldn't stop playing. It showed scenes of them playing, etc. on the news.

SO BIZARRE!!!

Okay, so maybe he isn't quite yet! But Andy gets back this evening, and I'm SO happy! It's only been since Tuesday morning, but it's been an eventful 2 days, and I will welcome him back with open arms!

Lately I've been reading a lot of blogs, and wishing I could come up with other peoples' witticisms...The most frustrating part of it all is that I think I used to be clever, and am less so now. Maybe I need drugs to be clever? ...or maybe it's a lack of social involvement. In high school and college, I did a lot and spend my time with a LOT of different types of folk. It probably also helped that (nearly) all of them were intelligent people. Well, I'm glad Andy is incredibly smart...maybe I'll make him have some sort of serious, engaging conversation this evening. I'm sure he'll love that.

I've also decided to start phasing in new things in my wardrobe. I keep vowing to do more with solid colors, but then I get to the store and gravitate towards print...I'm working on that.

It would seem I'm just craving change in general....spring fever?

...All the better to sit on, my dear.

So...since Andy & I have started dating (14 months ago, wow!), I have gained nearly 20 pounds. This is completely not okay, so Operation Not Such A Fatass starts....tomorrow. I'm so good about eating healthy, but not so good about eating in moderation or keeping a regular workout schedule. Hopefully since I have admitted these problems, I'm taking the first step toward solving them.

Anyway, I think I've decide to return to the land of the blog. I always start to give it up when I know people aren't reading it, but then I remember that I enjoy it. I'm doing this for ME, not for you!

An old friend committed suicide yesterday. I can't understand what he must have felt like, but I am very saddened by all of it. It seems that everyone I know is sort of in a darker-than-usual place lately...I've even felt that way. I haven't felt depressed, but I've been thinking a lot lately about things I would have done differently given the opportunity, and also how I need to get out & make some friends! I wish I wasn't quite so poor, so I could make the CS & Burner gatherings...well, someday!

To make myself feel better, I created a Google spreadsheet (I'm a whore for Google Docs!) of things I want to accomplish in 2010. I think it's helped to clear my mind some. Establishing goals is the only way to achieve them.(:

Get outside & enjoy that sunshine today! I can't wait to get off work & do just that!