Blowin' in the Wind

Tomorrow I head for Joplin after work, and Friday I wake up early to head to Memphis! I'm not sure which I'm more excited about, having a 4-day weekend (read: 2 days off work!) or the Beale Street Music Festival...but I know I'm a lot excited for both! As always, I wish Andy could come, but I guess absence makes the heart grow fonder & all that.

Yesterday was an interesting day. Long ago, I'd come to the conclusion that a) I didn't believe in "soulmates", and b) I don't understand a thing about love.

If you ask me today, my thoughts are divided on the concept of soulmates. Do I believe there's somebody who makes you feel more like yourself? Someone who makes you whole? Someone you envision growing old with? That I do...even more so since I met Andy. However, I also believe that there isn't only one person like that. Had I moved somewhere else, I could have met someone I'm equally compatible with, and Andy would have still existed here. So if there's more than one person like that, how is "soulmate" not an overstatement? Don't get me wrong, I would still call Andy mine...I'm just saying.

Now you might ask yourself how I don't understand a thing about love, but I'm in a happy committed relationship...and I ask myself the same thing every day. Here it is, though, after a long talk with my best friend yesterday....more or less the entire day...I don't think that any of you understand it either.

Recently, 2 of our friends broke up after dating over a year. He broke up with her, stating that he 'kept waiting to feel the love feeling, but it still hasn't come'. Now, I pose this question: Was there a pivotal moment that you all of a sudden felt the "love feeling"? Because for me I didn't really feel any different, it was more of a realization that I couldn't/didn't want to live without this man. My thought is that what he's waiting for is Hollywood-style love. Perhaps I'm wrong, and they really just weren't going to work out, but nonetheless - what have movies done to peoples' perception of love?

Andy & I started off pretty rocky, as a lot of you know. To this day, there are times where I ask myself 'Do I really love him?'. I thought this was just because I'm weird, but I talked to a few other people who admitted to having the same feelings. After asking myself this, I always come to the conclusion that I do, very much...He's my other half. I think about not having him around, and it makes me want to die. And that's just it...most peoples' test for if they love someone or not is imagining their life without the other person. Is love an emotion solely based out of the fear of losing someone? Not that it would be any less legitimate, but how else do you know you love someone?

Furthermore, what is the difference between "love" and "in love"? You always hear people say, "I love you but I'm not in love with you." What does that mean? Which one is more real; which is more important?

What makes romantic love different than the feelings you have for your family, besides the obvious fringe benefits?

Deep down, everyone knows whether they truly love someone or not...but the explanation is you "just know". And I agree with that. Deep down, I know Andy & I are meant to be together, but I still question it. Is it my brain battling with my heart? My brain battling with other peoples' perceptions? My brain battling with media & society stigma? All of the above?

Andy says in an anthropology class he took way-back-when, a professor said that romantic love is the human emotion that is based out of the neeed to procreate. Whether you procreate or not is a moot point - the emotion itself was borne from that basic human need.

So after a long talk with my best friend (and another one with Andy, that started off horribly but ended fine), I've come to the conclusion that love is different for everyone, and that's why nobody understands it. Romantic comedies for decades have tried to convince people that all relationships are more or less the same, and I disagree. The romanticized notions that we've been spoon-fed are probably a large part of the reason the divorce rate is so high - instead of focusing on just being happy, and being with each other, people focus on what they're supposed to feel, or what they're supposed to say/do, making what could be a great relationship a failure because it doesn't look like the movies.

To me, love is when you're not grossed out by each others' farts, it's when you can't help but be attracted to someone even though they haven't washed their hair for days and their breath smells like dogshit, when you fight and you look so forward to making up that you don't even care anymore about whatever you were fighting about, or when they do something that you know would piss you off if it were anybody but them... Love is when you're apart even for just a day or 2 and you're still giddy with anticipation at reuniting, looking forward to the end of the workday to see them, looking forward to falling into bed with them at the end of the day, and waking up next to them the next morning...it's taking an interest in things you wouldn't care about if your significant other didn't care about them so much...
It's taking their side when you know they're wrong, and it's being able to tell them that they're wrong but you're still on their side. It's knowing that no matter what happens you don't want to be with anybody else, and you can work through anything knowing that. You can have a good time doing anything together, and also have a good time doing nothing together, but you also have to be able to have a good time apart. Perhaps most importantly, it's knowing they'll listen to any mundane thing you want to share, and they'll support you in any of your crazy endeavors, and vice-versa. It's SO much more, but this entry is already getting pretty lengthy.

We've decided we'd like to film a documentary about this, and interview people from all walks of life, who've had many different types of relationship experiences. Working title: "What Is Love?" - Yes, that is mainly so we can work the Haddaway song into the credits.